I can’t say I’m sad, because if I say I’m sad, then that implies I’m not happy. I am uncertain about a huge move in my life. I’ve been through some big transformations with Christ, and I feel good, but prior to that, I had not let go of my past. So I’ve hurt someone deeply, and this is the consequence of those actions.  I had such a deep connection with this amazing woman. She taught me about God’s grace and unconditional Love. She made me smile, laugh, and feel good enough. She was indeed my better half.  She made me, ME! I prayed so hard to be closer to God with her along my side, but it seems it would have been too difficult for us to do that. So I must take on this voyage without her.

It was a very hard decision to do, indeed. But now I’m second guessing my decision. I have been leaning on God so hard. I’ve been putting all my problems straight to his alter. I am basically diving all in. Not for the sake to get her back, but to make sure my decision was His decision. Pretty crazy huh? Well, I second guess my decision because of a deceiving voice that has been part of this world since Adam and Eve. Yes, Satin’s voice. His voice can play with a couple relationships, and most of the time it sounds convincing. “Yes, break up with her now, and be closer to God.”Pretty convincing. I am really relying on God to carry me, but now that I am not grounded I feel vulnerable.

Satin knows this. Now the temptations begins.

In Prayer I feel the presence of Alexandra. And in a relationship, with God in the center of it, we both have to more or less agree we are getting the same answers from God. I know we are a couple of God, we have had numerous accounts of Confirmation. Being apart is one decision I don’t feel the confirmation from God.

My prayer to God: Lord, please watch over us during this time. Comfort our hearts, and give us the strength we need to listen to Your voice and not Satin’s deceiving voice. Amen!”

Alex, if you read this, please confirm with God that this is indeed the right thing to do. I Love You, and will NEVER stop fighting for your Heart!

What does that mean anyway? Well, let me explain myself and current situation. I have been going through a spiritual battle. I have to reprogram how I think and live my daily life. I have been noticing a common pattern in my life that needs to STOP. I hold on to the past. For some reason, I thought it was what I needed to be loved. All I’ve ever wanted since I was little was to be loved. Fully loved! Without question or reason, and I’ve sought that love out from the beginning. I’m a very fortunate that I didn’t find Love in drugs or other life threatening things. I did try to find love with Girls. Yes, my excuse was if I keep them around in hopes maybe one of them will fall in Love with me. So I piled up the friends list. I had friends that loved the outdoors, who were into theatre, who like triathlons, who read books, ones who crocheted, ones who loved movies, yeah, things that I’ve found interest in. The million dollar question that I have to currently deal with right now is, if any of them pursued me would I be with them now? How am I suppose to answer that question?

I’ve never really thought about it before. I have realized that in order for me to heal from my past I really have to let it all go. I have been chipping away on that goal. I am getting rid of the girls who I’ve kept around for personal reasons. Trust me, it is such a good enlightenment moment for me to flush them out and never wonder anymore. I am focusing on a couple of things right now. I had a wall barrier surrounding who I really am, and scared to commit fully into a relationship, that is why I kept those girls around. NO MORE, I say. Why should I wonder? Why should I care? I should be searching for one love. The Love of Christ. Because once I fill my cup with The Living Water, happiness will come, and so will Love. Then, I’ll be able to Love unconditionally!

So in order for me to get there, I need to release the hold Satin has on my spirit. He is lying to me. He is saying, “You need those girls to feel Loved.” But all I need is Christ. My past shows me otherwise, but I need to disregard it all and pull the wax paper from my Spirit. It’s going to hurt like heck, but for a smooth beginning, it must be done.

I ask for lots of prayers in this time of Battle! I crave The Living Water. The One True Love.

I’m just going to type whatever it is I’m thinking at the moment. I have mixed emotions filling my thoughts, body, and I am troubled. I hope this is release therapy to some degree. I’m working to become a better person. I have hurt so many people along the way. I’ve let go of people I truly cared about and I’ve made sacrifices to end this pain inside of me. I look to the Lord for strength in all areas of my life; work, relationships, future, etc. I just want to be a good husband and father someday. I miss the outdoors. I want to go on a hike today, but I’ve decided to wait until spring. My bones crave the snow season, but there is no snow here in Fresno. I miss Salt Lake City, I want to move back there someday.

I wonder if she’ll ever forgive me, or if her forgiveness is weighted. I don’t Facebook anymore because I have no reason too. My diet is the worst. I’m probably in trouble again. That’s the story of my life, never doing anything right. Someday it wont matter, but until then, life is a giant lesson, keep learning and try to stay out of trouble.

We have ears to listen, and the great thing about speech is we can understand what we are listening to through the languages we know. It’s funny to ask a bilingual if they dream in there first language they were brought up in, or do they dream in their second language. I know two languages: English and Bad English.

Basically, someone asked me if I listen to God regurlary? I think I do. Short examples of listening to God is as followed: I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah two years ago with no reason on coming back to CA. But when I ran out of money and didn’t have a job lined up I did what I only knew how to do, and that’s seeking God’s help. I prayed for other solutions, new job in SLC and big opportunties. But nothing summoned up. So I had to really listen and lean on his Grace. I re-packed my gear and moved back to Fresno, CA. I’m glad I listened because I wouldn’t have met my love, have this new job, and I wouldn’t have had this break through. I am very greatful for listening. He is constantly talking to everyone, we have to stop and listen. Is God talking in a song, movie, through someone, or an act we encounter? I urge the world to Listen. Take the first step and leave the rest to God.

To understand a concept of something is way different from actually knowing the truth. When I received the holy spirit at the age of 16, I understood the concept of it. Yes, I understood that Christ was a descended of God and died for our sins. But did I actually believe it? It’s hard to say if I believed it, because I always had doubt.

Mankind is dark! We live in a corrupt world that lets us know that we are never good enough. Our friends and family tell us we aren’t good enough, even if it’s only joking. (“You suck!”; “You sing terrible”; “You don’t have an iPod? Haha, loser!”) Everyday since the day we are born there has always been negativity towards our well-being. Here is the difference that I’ve notice over the last couple weeks of my ’spiritual being’. Yes there are two beings; actual human being, and spiritual being. We have to protect our spiritual being above all. I have failed in this my whole life.

I believed that I was never good enough.( I will never be good enough for my friends, family, or work. I can push myself to pedal faster, but I will never be as fast as them. I can sing my heart out and jump up and down on stage, but I’ll play the wrong chord. I’ll climb/hike a mountain, but someone did it in 3 days instead of 5. That camera shot is cool, but his is better. My room, house, car, will never be spotless clean. I drive a mini van, and not a brand new car. I’ll take time to learn mic placements, but the recording is still dull. I can love, but she left for something better.) This is why I failed to believe. There is truth behind everything. I’ve met someone who knows of such unconditional love, and she is sharing what I had already understood and teaching me to let go of the past and weigh my entire life on Christ. Now the concept and scripture turn into Belief and Love.

We are heirs to the Father Lord God. He loves us so much, and I am now grasping the true meaning of that! I have ways to go, and I am grateful for all the trials I have been through to get here, but I want to share with you all, it’s time for a new beginning. I am letting go, finally! I am seeking council from God, peers, and professional doctors. I want God to use me. I don’t want to have anything holding me back. To accept Christ is to toss the past and future away and to focus on NOW, because everyday is a blessing from HIM without Doubt!

Life, by Jose.

It’s been quite a journey over the last 9 months. I’ve witness beautiful things, hiked the highest point in the US, and fell in Love.

I traveled for the first time out of the Country. I spent a week in Peru to help out with a nonprofit refuge orphanage. It was an experience I will never forget.

I landed a pretty well-paying job working for the CSU Fresno Music Building. I am in charge of the Concert Hall and Recital Hall. There are a lot of things to do in this position, but I’m trying to manage my time and not stress out about it.

Backpacking the Rae lake Loops was a preparation for my 5 day excursion to the top of Mount Whitney. What a heart fulfilling time. You really find peace with God. My spirit was touched and I will never forget those good times out there.

I have had 3 grandparents pass, it’s been hard for our entire family and we are doing well. Lot’s of prayer and mourning. We will never forget the good times well spent with the Grandparents.

I’m realizing a few eye openers with my Faith and God. I have always heard that God’s love is unconditional, but I’ve never really understood it. I have such a wonderful girlfriend who has been showing me. She cares so much about my soul and well-being. She cares like no other person I’ve ever known. I love her so much and I see the changes I need to become a better person. I’ve been blessed to have Alex in my life right now. Let the spiritual healing begin. Thank you Lord for the hard times, it will only get easier in time.

I pray I can keep learning through her compassion and honesty.

I will be spreading my thoughts on a regular basis on this blog.

God Bless!

Well, I’ll tell you being single is quite fun. I mean, I don’t go around dating different women, I’m just free for awhile. Yes, of course I miss affection and companionship, but that’s what my multi-personality disorder is for.

I have been accepted this summer to be a river guide for class III rivers on the Upper Kings River. I am only going up on weekends, but will be working my regular job until the school year ends. Then June looks pretty thin for work, so I’m planning a mini vacation, maybe a backpacking trip somewhere away from the city smog and noises.

But come July, I’ll be working Summer Arts, a job I haven’t had in 3 years. I know how it runs, and with a pay cut, my availablity will also be cut. I will still be guiding rivers on the weekend, and getting big tag lines around my arms and legs.  (For those who are wondering, yes I’ll be wearing my SPF sunblock)

I just finished Sound Designing a play for Clovis West High School, Noises Off. I had fun creating sound cues, and adding sound effects to a much easy show. As a sound designer I over produced the sound, but hey, the director had no problems with that. It’s a little different working for high schools. I’m used to lots of paper work and lots of communication with directors, but in this district, I have found it easier to present the stuff early on and get a yes or no, and then represent during tech and see what happens. So far the two show’s I’ve designed have been a success, let’s see about next year. On that note, I had built a sound effect of a person falling down some stairs, I didn’t realize the director wanted it to be live, so to make is sound a little more dramatic, I made a crash box out of ply wood. Then I filled it with garbaged and added pieces of wood. Rattle that thing around and drop it, and you got yourself a nice sounding roll down the stairs. It was a success, and I’m a jenius. (Yes the ‘J’ was intentional)

Now up to the river for a weekend of more training and lots of rapids.

Who’s a fan of the NBC show ‘Heroes’? I use to be until it got all wierd and became a joke. It became a thinker show, and I just want results. Anywho, how did I lose my powers? It happened when I was chillin’ in a cafe in downtown Monterey last Wednesday listening to an open mic, I looked across to the next table and guess who was sitting there? Petrelli’s Father. I told him about my power. He was threaten of what I could do, so he posed for a picture, and while doing so, he shook my hand. If you know the show, then you know his power is taking other peoples powers. He took mine! So no more ultimate hopscotching power for me.

I’ve heard many people tell me, “Long distance relationship never work.” But how do you know if you don’t at least try. That is what I did, I gave it a go and I wouldn’t have asked for a better ride. It started in the summer of 2008, mid August or so. She was a rock climber and an adventurous hiker. I was instantly attracted to her. One thing I’ve learned with rock climbing is, if you can trust someone with your life belaying you on a rope, then they are a keeper. But the thing is she resides in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and at the time I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah. Then I probably made things a little worse by moving back to California. Now with a  separation of 6 states and a 2 hour difference in time, made things a little harder, for the both of us. With her job of late night hours and my job of working gigs at the Performing Art Center, it was hard to catch up on a regular basis, and that’s when emotions escalade and turn into depression. No one to my knowledge likes to feel alone and depressed, and the fact that we couldn’t see each other or talk to each other face to face made things sucky. So on a mature agreement, we called it quits. Am I sad? Well a little. Under the right circumstances this could have worked out. I am glad we at least gave it try and had a blast while it lasted. It is sort of crazy when you put your life in God’s hands and he just takes care of you. I was sad and this is his solution. I trust he has a plan for me and someday he’ll give me my Paige, but what a ride. Thank you Lord!

Some people say their heroes are magical or have super powers. My hero has the power of passion and unconditional love. I’m talking about my Pops. On Valentines Day, this past Saturday, my Pops and I rode our bicycles 102 miles in honor of my older sister Marie, who past away May 5^th, 2008, of blood cancer. “Team Marie” was the team my Pops trained with for 14 weeks, and raised over $3,000 for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. I did partial training while in Utah, (snowboarding) and didn’t get on my bike until I moved back to California. But I knew I would finish as long as I had the spirit and strength of my sister pushing me along the way. (Thanks Marie!)

There has been no greater feeling of accomplishing a physical beat down of the body than the one I had this past Saturday. I crossed the finished line with my Pops, and loved every hundred miles of riding next to him (except for the downhill parts). I felt the hard work my Pops put into this, and the many lives he has touch throughout his training. I am proud and honored to say that this 49 year old man is my hero! I want to be just like him when I grow up.

My step dad, Jose, not to long ago in September also rode a century in honor of Marie. The race was in Hawaii, and I wish I could have been by his side too.

We all miss you Marie, and we’ll keep you in our spirit as everyday goes by.